Fa Feng
by DTS Guru
Summary: River enlists a little help to pull a prank on Mal and Simon. Rayne.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: River has been playing hide and seek with me lately. But as soon as I catch a glimpse of her she's off and running. It's been gorram frustrating! Finally pinned her down this morning.**

**Disclaimer: None of the royalty checks come to my house.**

* * *

"You're outta your gorram mind, Moonbrain. More'n usual." Jayne grumbled.

River bounced on her toes, an excited expression on her face. "It will be most jocular."

Jayne paused, his mind momentarily distracted as it tried to figure out what in gorram hell the _feng le_ girl just said. She bounced again, drawing him back to their conversation. When his partner had first started these pranks, Jayne hadn't seen no harm. Hell, he'd enjoyed them. 'Specially since Mal and Simon were her favorite targets. But this, _this_ was just…just…

"_Fa Feng_!" He exclaimed, backing away. Moonbrain weren't getting him spaced over no prank.

Her lower lip jutted out. "She needs his assistance." Her eyebrows scrunched up. "Scene cannot be set as a monologue. Two principle actors are required."

Jayne backed up another step, shaking his head. "Ain't no way in gorram hell I'm playin' this game."

River's frown deepened for a second before a smile brightened her face. "Kaylee! She will ask Kaylee!"

The girl started to turn. Jayne's jaw dropped as his mind supplied an image of how that would look. _Shun-sheng duh gao-wahn._ He was concentrating so hard on the fantasy in his head that it took him a full minute to realize that River had turned back to him and was patiently watching him. She cocked an eyebrow at him. He shrugged in return. They'd been partnered for awhile now. River knew the rules, if she were gonna go peakin' in his head, she couldn't be complainin' 'bout what she saw there.

He shooed her with his hands. "Well? Go get Kaylee then."

"Sun shines first and foremost on the planet which orbits her."

"Huh?"

"She will breach the sacred trust."

Jayne stared at River, hoping time would unravel her words.

It didn't.

River rolled her eyes. "Kaylee. Will. Tell. Simon."

Jayne could see how much effort River had put into each word. Pride momentarily filled him. The girl was improving. The progress was slow, but steady. The girl was smiling hopefully at him again though.

"No. Ain't doin' it, Crazy."

"Jayne," she pleaded, pouting out that lip again.

"Now you know I love your pranks. And I don't make a habit a'arguin' with you." She sent him _the_ _look_. The one that said _chwen joo._ "Fine. I do make it a habit. But this time I'm right. I have a game we can play. It's called Jayne Don't Get Spaced Tonight."

Her little prank would get Jayne thrown out the airlock. If he were very lucky, Mal wouldn't let Simon torture him first. Jayne weren't feelin' real lucky.

River's face cleared. She nodded. "She understands. He is scared."

"Now I didn't say nothin' 'bout bein' scared." Jayne blustered.

She stepped forward and patted him on the arm. "She knows. The ape man is afraid the sissified Core doctor will paralyze him again and cut on him." She spoke in a rough voice, imitating Jayne's voice to the best of her abilities.

"Too scared." She said with a shrug. "Farce would be ruined."

Jayne narrowed his eyes. "_Fuhn Pi._"

* * *

"_Ta Ma De"_

Mal Reynolds stared down at the couch, his mouth hanging open. Well, this weren't how he envisioned his day startin' out. It'd take some shufflin', but he could deal with this. First, he'd have to clean this mess up 'fore the good doctor got an eye-full. Throwin' Jayne out the airlock weren't gonna take no time t'all. Be a week or two 'fore he'd set down on a skyplex or moon big 'nough to replace the merc. Probably best to save burnin' his eyes out for the end of the day though. Mal shuddered. He weren't never gonna get this sight outta his head.

Shoulda noticed the first clue. Her dress was hangin' right out in the open from an open cabinet in the galley. Emptied bottles of booze were scattered on the table. Jayne's shirt was draped over a chair at the kitchen table. Her boots were half-way across the floor. He damn near tripped on 'em and still hadn't notice 'em till now. It was a gorram blessin' they'd reassembled some of their clothes 'fore passin' out in a heap of tangled limbs on the couch. Mal made a mental note to get Inara a special thank you gift for buyin' the girl some proper unders. No tellin' what he'd be seein' if the Companion hadn't taken the girl shoppin'. Girl had been wearin' nothing but shorts under them dresses, and those shorts were over the edge of the couch now.

Mal shifted, knocking over another bottle. It hit the ground with a clink, spilling a few drops as it rolled into Jayne's discarded boots. With a growl Mal kicked Jayne's leg as hard as he could. Again, thankful that the man had put his gorram pants back on. The merc startled, jolting the girl out of her sleep. The girl sat up slowly, stretching. Mal spun around, closing his eyes quickly.

"Get your gorram clothes on, Albatross!" He snapped.

"Has anyone seen River?" Simon's voice called. His voice seemed to get louder as he approached. "She didn't sleep in her bed last time."

Mal groaned as Simon appeared in the doorway, just as River stood, still wearing only her unders. "_Ta ma de hun dan._"

Simon stopped, his face frozen in a mask of horror.

River calmly reached for her shorts, leaning over Jayne to grasp them. She pulled them on slowly. Simon and Mal finally snapped out of their shock when she started toward her dress. Simon jumped forward, jerking the dress off the cabinet door and rushing toward her with it. Mal turned to Jayne with a fierce look.

"Right 'bout now would be ideal for explainin'."

"Slept on the couch." Jayne stated evenly.

Mal clenched his fist. "Less'n you learned how to survive the black without a suit, you might wanna do a might better job explainin'."

"River, just let me take you to the clinic and run a quick exam on you. I need to make sure that _Wong Ba Duhn_ didn't hurt you."

Anger washed over Jayne as the doc's words reached his ears. He exploded off the couch. "There weren't no hurtin' goin' on last night! I ain't the type of _Huen Dahn_ that goes puttin' his hands on unwillin' girls."

Mal shoved Jayne back onto the couch with a glare.

Simon turned to Jayne with a baleful look. "Even if she were 'willing', River could easily be hurt since she is-was inexperienced."

The two men continued to glare at Jayne. A sound broke the tense silence. The sound didn't belong at all. It took them all a moment to believe they'd even heard it. All three men looked over at River in astonishment as she repeated it.

She giggled.

"The farce has been successful!" She placed an arm across her stomach and folded her body over it. When she stood she sent Jayne a look. "He must bow. He performed most admirably."

Simon spluttered as Mal took a moment to silently come to terms with what had just happened. Jayne rolled his head back to view River. She was beaming ear to ear, pleased with her achievement.

"You done with me?"

She nodded at him, her smile not dimming the least in response to his gruff tone. He shoved his feet into his boots and pushed himself off the couch. Mal was still in shock, so Jayne moved around him, snatching his shirt off the table as he made his escape to his bunk. Maybe he could get a couple hours shut-eye in his own bed 'fore the cap'n got it into his head that Jayne needed another lesson 'bout 'respectin' his authority'.

Mal stared at River, his brain stalled on one thought. He'd been had by the Albatross. Again.

Zoe entered the galley and headed straight for the cabinets to start preparing the morning meal. Her eyes flicked over the room's occupants briefly before turning back to her work. "Nother prank?"

"Quite successful," River bragged.

Zoe chuckled. "Can see that. Ain't never seen Cap'n quite that shade a'red."

**

* * *

AN: Most of the Mandarin is from 'The Firefly and Serenity Database – Joss Whedon: http:/firefly(dot)wikia(dot)com/wiki/Dictionary, so if it's wrong, blame the people who edit that site. The only people I know from China are super religious so the internet is my only source. Guess that site is as good as any other. The below could all be the names of breakfast cereals for all I know.**

**_Feng Le_ – Crazy**

**_Fa Feng - _ You're mad**

**_Shun-sheng duh gao-wahn – _Holy testicle Tuesday**

**_chwen joo – _retarded pig**

**_Fuhn Pi – _Accusing someone of lying, a ridiculous notion, or talking out of one's ass**

**_Ta Ma De_ – Motherfucker**

_**Ta Ma De Hun Dan - **_**Mother-humping son of a bitch**

**_Wong Ba Duhn_ – Son of a Bitch**

**_Huen Dahn_ – Bastard, jerk**

**Have a rough idea for another 1 or 2 little drabbles on this one. Depending on how crazy my holiday weekend is I might even get this updated sometime before I go back to work on Monday. My Thanksgiving is going to be a lot like that movie 'Four Christmases.' Too many houses to visit with too many loud people at each of them.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Disclaimer: I still have no legal claim to Firefly or Serenity.**

* * *

Jayne grumbled into awareness, confused as his arm refused to rise to his face. What in gorram hell was goin' on? Was he tied down? Last he knew he was sleepin' in his bunk. He cracked his eyes open slow like, to get the lay of the land. Wait just a gorram minute! This was the infirmary on Serenity. He tried to sit up but only succeeded in grunting. His body weren't budgin' an inch.

Simon stepped into view. The doc appraised him with a cool expression, then turned his attention to the meds in his hand. 'Fore Jayne could blink the doc had shot them into his neck.

"_Wong Ba Duhn._ I got a new hole in me somewhere?" His brow furrowed as Jayne tried to remember the latest firefight. Nothin' came to mind.

Simon merely stepped out of view. Jayne stared up at the painfully white ceiling, wracking his brain. What in gorram hell did he do to wind up on this hard as rock bed this time? And why weren't his body movin'? This creepifyin' sensation was familiar. Like that time when Simon threatened him after Jayne 'bout turned River over to them _ta ma de hun dan_ alliance docs what cut on her brain. But Doc had no reason to par'lyze him again. Jayne 'n River were partners. They got on real good now a days.

Suddenly Simon was there again, starin' down at Jayne with that cold expression. "I should space you myself."

Jayne had never heard the doc sound so cold, so ruthless. It weren't helpin' matters none that his arms and legs might as well a'been chopped off. Maybe Moonbrain weren't so _feng le_ 'cause'a the Alliance cuttin' on her brain. Could be the crazy ran in her blood. Sure seemed like her brother was a bit tetched in the head at the moment.

"I warned Mal that you couldn't be trusted around my sister. That you would take advantage of her. But he said that you were crew, family, that you would never do that." Simon continued. He gave a bitter laugh that sent chills up Jayne's spine. "Turns out he was wrong."

Jayne frowned. "He weren't wrong. I ain't took 'vantage of no one. Ain't no one taken 'vantage of River. You seen what Crazy can do with a knife."

Simon's face was made of stone, cool, hard, and unchanging. "It doesn't matter if she says yes. She doesn't have the emotional or mental capacity to understand the decision she was making. You took advantage of an innocent girl, Jayne. But as much as I would love to shove you out of that airlock right now, she's going to need your help in the coming months. And the baby will need his, or her, father."

Jayne's mouth hung open for a moment. His brain stalled. Finally he managed to shove a few words out. "_Fa Feng_! I don't know what crazy told you but I ain't fathered no babies. You got the wrong man."

Simon arched one eyebrow. "What exactly are you saying about my baby sister?"

"I'd be real careful with my word choice, I were a man in your position." Mal said as he sauntered over. "Doc might get the itch to clean some'a his tools nearby. Might slip and drop a few on you. Pointy side down."

Jayne was feelin' like a trapped animal. Gorram it. He _was_ a trapped animal. "I ain't sexed the girl! Cain't have no babies if you don't get to the sexin'. Even I know that! Girl musta met some s_hwei _boy while we was stopped for supplies. Or might be she paid for a pro-fessional. Sure weren't me."

"So you're callin' Tross a liar then?" Mal asked with an edge to his voice.

Gorram it! What'd that _feng le_ Moonbrain go and do now? She were outta her head or pullin' a prank on him. Didn't make no never mind which, Jayne was a dead man either way. He was layin' here like a corpse "Now I didn't say that. Girl's just a might tetched in the head. Must be havin' a bad day is all. She's a little confused. Me'n River ain't never sexed. I'm sure I'd'a remembered somethin' like that."

Mal shook his head. "Had a week's worth a Kaylee's special brew sloshin' round in ya. Man can forget his own name."

"Pulled most'a those bottles outta the recyclin' bin, Mal. Only drank one or two. Weren't near drunk 'nough to forget somethin' like that." Jayne protested. He weren't that drunk. For once in his life Jayne was an innocent man. He'd prove it to. "Want one'a them tests. Want proof."

Simon's impassive expression broke. His lips curved into a grin as he held up a huge needle. "This may sting a bit."

Jayne's eyes widened. "Cain't you just gather some spit? We really gotta use a needle that big?"

The doc's grin widened. "We don't have to. But we're going to."

Jayne willed his body to move, to roll off the table away from the huge needle the _feng le_ doctor was aiming toward him. But nothing happened. The best he could do was raise his head half an inch off the table.

"I'm tellin' ya! I ain't never sexed the girl and I ain't never gonna."

"Fa-alse." The words were sang in the creepifyin' tone River used sometimes.

_Ta ma de_ the girl was pullin' a prank on him. He rolled his eyes to the side, barely seein' her in the doorway of the room. He growled. "_Fuhn pi_. Ain't never sexed you, Girl."

Mal patted Jayne on the shoulder, hard. "Just as soon as Simon's run that test we'll know who's confused."

The look on Mal's face left no doubt as to who he believed. Jayne swallowed hard. That test better be negative. He darted his eyes back to River. He hadn't…no. Jayne could handle his tonic. He'd remember somethin' like that.

But River said…and Mal and Simon said…What if… _Wo Pi Gu Cao._

"This test will take awhile. We'll just leave you two alone for a moment to talk." Simon stated, his voice threatening to break from the cool tone.

Once Mal and Simon had left the room River floated toward the bed. Jayne glared at her. This was all her fault. Gorram _feng le_ prank. He ran his eyes over her body. He couldn't see any indication that it had changed, but it had only been a few weeks. Should it have changed yet? He didn't exactly have experience in these matters.

No! He ain't never sexed the girl. Wouldn't believe he had till Simon showed him prove. He rolled his eyes toward the table Simon had placed the test on. How long'd he say that test'd take?

"Ain't never sexed you and ain't never gonna."

River leaned in with a smirk, tilting her head. "Lie."

Jayne's mouth went dry. He fought to push words past his lips. "Weren't that drunk, Girlie. Know we didn't do nothin' but make it look like sexin'."

She rolled her eyes. "Jayne has not chopped down the cherry tree."

Even Jayne could figure that one out. "That's what I been sayin'!"

She straightened and met his eyes with a level gaze. "He has the axe in hand."

He stared at her in shock.

* * *

Mal and Simon made it as far as the galley before they collapsed in laughter. Mal wiped tears from his eyes. "Didja see the look on his face?"

Simon nodded his head, laughing too hard to speak.

Mal shook his head. "Oh that was powerful funny. And River! Comin' in when she did. Gonna have to buy her somethin' for playin' along like that. You ask her for help?"

Simon shook his head. "We'll both buy her something. She pushed him over the edge. You see how white his face got? I thought he was going to pass out. I had to get out of there before I started laughing. I couldn't take anymore."

Mal clapped the doc on the shoulder. "Now I see why River likes these pranks so much."

_**

* * *

**_

**AN: Again, I don't speak Mandarin, so I don't have any clue if the below are even close to accurate. Let's all pretend they are.**

_**Wong Ba Duhn**_** – Son of a Bitch**

_**Ta Ma De Hun Dan**_** - Mother-humping son of a bitch**

_**Feng Le**_** – Crazy**

_**Fa Feng - **_** You're mad**

_**Fuhn Pi – **_**Accusing someone of lying, a ridiculous notion, or talking out of one's ass**

_**Wo Pi Gu Cao**_** – My Ass is Fucked**

**s**_**hwei – **_**handsome**

s_hwei_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Disclaimer: I don't own...but it seems I like to play with other people's toys.**

* * *

River met Jayne's eyes with a significant look. Jayne furrowed his brows, glancing around the table. Now? She gave him the _chwen joo_ look. Guess it was now then.

"Uh, Mal, that bit 'bout ship's Cap'n marryin' folks true?"

All talk at the table stopped. Mal met Jayne's eyes curiously. "Spose so. Why? Got your eye on a pretty whore?"

Jayne's expression turned hard. "Watch your tongue. My girl's liable to cut it outta you."

He felt a small hand slide up his thigh squeezing lightly. He leaned back, crossing his arms.

Mal chuckled. "Well who's the lucky lady then?"

River beamed as Jayne slid an arm around her shoulders.

Simon shoved his chair back, exploding to his feet. "River? No! Get away from him! Get your arm off my sister you _Ta Ma De Hun Dan._"

Mal watched them both warily. "This another trick?" His lips twitched. "It's a trick. Right?"

Jayne snorted. "Ain't no trick. Marryin' the girl. Ma'd skin me alive if the little'un were born a'fore River here was a Cobb."

Mal palmed his face, rubbing it wearily. Kaylee squealed. "You're gonna have a baby?"

"No!" Simon yelled. He turned back to Jayne with a disgusted look. "We've explained this Jayne. It was a prank. Besides, that was nine months ago! Don't you think she would have had the baby by now?"

River sent _the look_ toward her brother this time.

Jayne smirked. "Need to thank you both for that. Not for that prank never woulda looked at River as a real woman. Opened my eyes, you did. And now I need ya to help me make an honest woman outta her, 'fore my Ma hitches a ride out here and whoops me up one side of this ship and down th'other."

Simon slowly slid into his seat, his face losing all color. "Please, _Mei Mei, _tell me this is a prank."

Mal was grinning ear to ear by now. "This has to be a joke. Ain't no way our Merc and our Assassin are gonna start playin' house."

River straightened. "Ideal pairing. Stealth. Strength. Cunning. Progeny will be strong. Darwinian principles at maximum efficiency."

Jayne frowned. Girl used some awful big words. Made him sound like a stud horse. That weren't what they was about. Right? Her hand slid north and squeezed again. Jayne stared at the table, feeling slightly sick to his stomach.

"She has a point." Zoe stated evenly.

Kaylee nodded with a smile. "I think they make a _shwei_ couple. Just look at how happy River is!"

"She does have a certain glow about her." Zoe replied.

"Ain't no glow!" Mal hollered.

Simon turned to Mal. "I can run some quick tests on her, just to be sure. I just have to take a little blood. We'll know in five minutes."

River tensed and the comforting squeeze on his thigh became a death grip. Jayne sat up quickly. "Ain't stickin' no gorram needles in her!"

Mal and Simon exchanged a look.

"So you won't let us run the test?" Mal confirmed.

"Not if it means stickin' a gorram needle in her. Girl hates 'em."

The tension around the table suddenly dissolved as Mal and Simon both leaned back, grinning. Mal even chuckled. "Told ya it was a prank!"

* * *

Jayne lay with his hands behind his head, waiting in the dark of his bunk. His eyes flitted to the hatch when it finally slid open. Slim legs slid into view. She crept down the ladder, pulling the hatch closed behind herself and locking it. He was gorram tired of this sneakin' around. Girl should be able to follow him to bed soon's he headed down, not once everyone else was out. Hell, they should be sharin' a bunk by now, all legit like Simon and Kaylee.

With a giggle she bounced onto his bed, landing beside him. He pulled her against his side. "You're feelin' good."

She made a face. "Twisting and turning attacks at random."

He cupped her face. "Hate that I made you sick."

She leaned forward, placing a soft kiss against his lips. She pulled back slightly, resting her upper body along his. "Cost benefit ratio is most acceptable."

He grinned at her, the soft smile reserved for River alone, his earlier doubts forgotten. "Spose we'll have'ta find us a preacher man at our next stop."

River giggled. "Crew will think it is a most diverting prank."

Jayne laughed along with her, rubbing her back. "How long till they conjure there weren't no lie in our words tonight?"

"Three months, one week and four days before her body will display newest Cobb."

"How will they react?"

"Sunshine and Warrior Woman will support. Captain Daddy and _Gei Gei_ will adjust."

"And 'Nara?"

River shrugged. "Has provided special tea for untwisting the knots. Proves most beneficial when Simon prepares sustenance."

Bless the Companion. Soon's he had a chance he'd get on the Cortex and buy that woman a lifetime supply of tea. Might even have his Ma knit her one of those shiny hats.

_**

* * *

chwen joo – **_**retarded pig**

_**Ta Ma De Hun Dan**_** - Mother-humping son of a bitch**

**AN: Hope all my fellow Americans had a lovely Thanksgiving holiday. I've had three, yes three, Thanksgiving meals and I am all Holiday'd out.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Disclaimer: I'm not Joss**

**AN: I cobbled this together way too quickly and didn't really beta so I apologize for any and all mistakes. I believe this is probably the last chapter of this. Enjoy.  
**

* * *

"What in the sphincter of hell do you think you're doing?" Mal's voice rang through the ship.

Jayne didn't so much as pause as he dropped another bag of River's belongings down his hatch. "Movin' my wife into our bunk."

"Now wait a _gorram_ minute. The two of you had your fun, tyin' your hands and sayin' some pretty words. But we all know 'Nara's 'bout as far's you can get from a Shepherd. This prank's over."

Jayne dropped the last bag before straightening to meet the captain's eyes with a serious look. "Not a joke this time, Mal. River's my wife now."

Mal spluttered.

"Can't say I didn't warn you," Jayne reminded him.

Mal spun around and stormed away. "Inara!"

* * *

He leaned back in his chair, legs straight out before him, ankles crossed. His arms were crossed too, over his chest. Most of the crew faced him across the galley. Kaylee was leaning forward in her seat, an eager expression on her face. Zoe's face wore the familiar composed neutrality. Mal and Simon, both too keyed up to sit, wore expressions leaning more toward murderous.

Inara alone was seated on the same side of the table as Jayne, peacefully composed.

"How is it exactly my merc thinks a whore has married him to my assassin? Someone wants to be explaining that to me right about now."

"I think it's shiny," Kaylee sighed quietly, shooting a longing glance at Simon.

Inara's eyes shifted from patient observation to cold anger. She sent Mal a smile devoid of any warmth. "You know very well that the marriage ceremonies out on the Rim can be a rather…informal affair. When Jayne and River saw their opportunity, they seized it."

"It's not valid," Simon argued. "A marriage requires the proper paperwork to be filed, the proper officials. She's not of sound mind! She can't make this kind of decision for herself!"

"She knows what she is doing," a soft voice countered.

Everyone looked to the doorway behind Jayne. All but Jayne and Inara gasped. River had traded her flowing tops for a form fitting dress. Her hand rested on her lower abdomen. That bump was unmistakable.

"It's a pillow." Simon's voice wavered.

He immediately found himself on the receiving end of the 'you're a boob' look for that denial.

River padded over to Jayne, feet bare as always. He pulled her into his lap, ignoring the aggravated noises coming from the other two men in the room.

"You settled," Jayne asked, still ignoring the others in the room.

"Puzzle pieces are clicked into place," she replied with a satisfied smile.

He nodded, a slightly confused look in his eyes.

The scraping of a chair pushing away from the table pulled their attention back to the room at large. Zoe stood and shot Mal an unreadable look. "If that's all, Sir, I'll be heading back to the bridge."

"No that's not all! Sit down._ Liu Kou Shui De Biao Zi He Hou Zi De Er Zi! _ This is my ship and I say Inara can't go marryin' people and my merc can't go knockin' up my reader!"

Jayne snorted. "Riv's carryin' my kid and she's a Cobb now. You got no say in that, Captain or not. What'd you plan on doin' when the baby pops out? Shovin' it back up there?"

River shot a disapproving look toward Mal. "Malcolm cannot go up the slide."

"Malcolm?" The captain took a step forward. "Did you say Malcolm? You namin' the kid after me?"

Jayne rolled his head back and forth, cracking it. "Damn stubborn woman. Says the boy's name is Malcolm Hoban Cobb."

Regarding his new bride with narrowed eyes he growled out, "don't quite roll off'a the tongue."

"Oh hush. It's a shiny name," Kaylee reassured, sending a questioning look toward Zoe.

The woman tilted her head once toward River.

Jayne gently pushed River from his lap and stood to his feet. "Now if this interrogation is over, it's time to wave Ma."

"This is not over!" Simon protested, searching the faces around him desperately for support. "We can't allow this travesty to stand. It wasn't even a valid ceremony!"

Mal patted Simon on the back, knocking the doctor forward a couple steps. "_Go se_ Li'l Mal's gonna need a two parent family. Only proper Jayne made an honest woman outta our River."


End file.
